how can u be prego again
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
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If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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