Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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