I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
