ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
