I hate all girls vehemently.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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