you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
