I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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