i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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