you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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