I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
