i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
