I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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