Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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