A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
