Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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