i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
