I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
