Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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