come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
whose ass print is on the piano?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
