This house was built for laser tag.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
