I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
