I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
