mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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