a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
