I've blown a few things in my day
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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