I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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