went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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