My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
