remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
