a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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