I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
