So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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