Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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