My Higher Power is John Stamos
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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