the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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