I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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