Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
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can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
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I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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