thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
