bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
