I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
