True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
