his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
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Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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