My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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