Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
