I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Dignity is for republicans.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
