I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
