how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
