i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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