Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
