god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
