I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
