I have demons in me.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
