can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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