We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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